take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
