I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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