News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
