i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize
