So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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