And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
