I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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