When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
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