I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize