summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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