just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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