Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
