I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
