all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
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