I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
