I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
