I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
