Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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