Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
