last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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