You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Randomize
