I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
