I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
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