I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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