He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
