What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
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