You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
