his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
