Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
