I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
