If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
