I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
