My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
