god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
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