Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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