he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
