I smell stomach acid.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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