just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
