i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
