Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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