One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
