I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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