i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
