i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
