If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I just googled if crying burns calories
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
