i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
