Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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