mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
