Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize