Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
