Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize