i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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