my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
