We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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