i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
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