I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
