I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
