i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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