The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
