dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
