His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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