everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
