Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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