I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
