You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
She announced her abortion via fbk
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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