Kareoke will never be a sober sport
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
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